A lot of my work is with clients who do not feel confident. Some of them are newly promoted and feel a little out of their depth. Others have had a knock to their self-esteem from a negative experience. Some consider themselves to be chronically under-confident. Many clients can’t pinpoint an exact reason why they feel they lack confidence.
This blog reflects on what confidence is and isn’t, what factors affect confidence, and some practical tools to help you to improve your confidence.
What is confidence?
Confidence is often misunderstood. It’s much more than just being extroverted, or exuding an air of success. It's the deep-seated belief in your abilities and judgment, allowing you to embrace challenges and grow. It's not about being loud, gregarious, or adventurous. True confidence is about taking calculated risks, embracing growth, acknowledging mistakes, and staying open-minded.
Navigating your spectrum of confidence
Our confidence levels vary across situations. You may radiate confidence in presentations, but falter during interviews. Overconfidence, while seemingly advantageous, can lead to oversimplified views of tasks. For example, I once watched a YouTube tutorial on how to fix a dripping tap, which filled me with an unjustified sense of certainty in my DIY skills. I needed to phone an emergency plumber!
Overconfident people can come across as being cocky or arrogant – traits that we try to avoid. Sometimes, we worry so much about coming across as arrogant that we don’t allow ourselves to show our feelings.
What affects our confidence?
Confidence is not an innate, fixed characteristic. It’s an ability that can be acquired and improved over time – it can be practised. For example, if you struggle with interviews or presentations, you can develop skill and confidence by practising. You can observe the structure and flow, and develop topics and answers in advance to help you to feel more prepared.
Our backgrounds can affect our confidence in profound ways. For some of my coaching clients, their confidence is affected by their childhood experiences, or experience of socialisation or discrimination. Some have experienced workplace pressures or bullying. Others find it difficult to pinpoint an exact cause.
They say that comparison is the thief of joy. For many people, comparing themselves to others is a sure-fire way to knock their confidence. Have you ever watched a colleague do a brilliant presentation, then when it comes to your turn, you’re scared your session won’t compare?
Some practical ways to develop your confidence
Here are a handful of practical, no-cost options to help you to develop your confidence. I’m not suggesting you try everything all at once, but perhaps reflect on whether any of these have worked for you in the past, or pick a couple to experiment with.
1. Understand how your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are interlinked
You may be familiar with the Cognitive Triangle which demonstrates how our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are connected. For example, if I think that I’m bad at job interviews, I may feel discouraged. I may behave by not talking to my manager about growth opportunities, or I may not apply for new roles. Expectations are important. The science writer David Robson says that our expectations of stress can influence whether we experience events as debilitating or energising.
You can change the outcome by intercepting one area. For some people, they find it easier to change their behaviours. How does the person you want to become behave? If they are likely to chat to their manager about development opportunities, how could you make that small step happen? By achieving this step, you may find you gain confidence to take another step.
2. Set yourself realistic goals
Setting goals which are unachievable sets you up to fail. For example, if you’ve never run before but you’d like to start, entering a race or charity run may sound appealing to give you a deadline and momentum. But is it realistic? Could a smaller goal help you to feel like you’ve made good progress towards your goal, and give you a confidence boost?
3. Harness your strengths
Recognising your strengths is a great way to build confidence. What are you good at, and brings you enjoyment at the same time? How can you stretch this strength even further?
Likewise, being aware of your weaknesses, but not dwelling on them, can help. If a weakness is affecting your confidence, then taking steps to reduce the weakness can help. For example, if you get nervous in presentations because you’re not sure how to structure them, or how to engage your audience, then what steps could you take to address this?
4. Celebrate your successes
Closely monitoring your success is really important. What are you better at today than you were one year ago? What feedback have you had from others? Could you keep a journal, or an electronic folder of positive feedback that you read regularly? I have a friend who keeps a “brag book” stuffed with her achievements, which serves as a powerful confidence booster when she needs a top-up.
5. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend
Try to be a bit kinder to yourself – talk to yourself like you’d talk to a good friend.
Positive self-talk is reframing negative language into something more constructive and optimistic.
If you hear yourself saying “I’m no good at interviews”, how could you adjust this? What would you say if you heard a friend talking like this?
Consider:
“I am better at interviews when I’ve prepared, as I come up with my best examples when I have chance to reflect”
“I feel nervous just before interviews, but once I’m in the room I know that I’m engaging to talk to and I know my stuff”.
It’s a subtle shift, but in these examples, we’re adjusting the way in which we label our experience of interviews. We’re allowing more positive thoughts to take up space.
If all else fails…
Finally, if all else fails, then take this advice from Emily Jaenson’s TEDx Talk who is the general manager of the Reno Aces, and the only female general manager in Triple-A baseball.
“Give yourself 20 seconds of confidence, and momentum will pull you through”.
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