I often work with leaders who grapple with how to position themselves within their teams. On one hand, they’re eager to foster a positive, supportive working environment. On the other, they need to set direction, delegate work, and uphold high standards. It can feel like walking a tightrope – sound familiar? Below are a few root causes I’ve seen. Do these resonate with you?
Empathy for your team
As leaders, we’re often closely in tune with our teams. We understand their workload, the pressures they’re under, and even the challenges they might be facing in their personal lives – health issues, relationship troubles, or housing worries.
When we see our team going through difficult times, we may instinctively want to take work off their plate, often without asking if they need it. This can quickly result in us taking on too much ourselves, leading to overwhelm and even burnout. And when the time comes to hand the work back, what if there’s never a "good" moment?
Sometimes, however, a team member might want to stay immersed in their work to help them cope with challenges elsewhere. They may want to feel productive, successful, and as though they’re making progress – especially when life outside work feels out of control.
The takeaway? Have a conversation with your team member before you lighten their workload. Ensure it's genuinely what they want. And if you do decide to redistribute tasks, agree on a plan for when to review and return the work.
Stuck in the friend zone
There’s also the risk of slipping into friendships with colleagues. Perhaps you've been promoted, but haven’t redefined old relationships. Or maybe you thought being more like a friend would help build rapport, but now the lines are blurred, making it uncomfortable when you need to set direction or hold people accountable.
While a strong, respectful relationship with your team is important, it's crucial to maintain professional boundaries, especially as roles evolve.
Negative past experiences
For some, the fear of being too nice stems from a desire to avoid repeating the mistakes of bad leaders they’ve encountered in the past. Micromanagement, unreasonable demands, and lack of care are all too familiar in some workplaces. After experiencing this, many people vow to lead differently, avoiding anything that could make their team feel disrespected or unsupported. While these intentions are noble, it’s important to remember that leadership isn’t about avoiding difficult decisions – it’s about making them in a thoughtful and fair way.
So, what’s the solution?
As a coach and leadership consultant, I often help leaders explore this tension between being kind and being effective. Here are a few strategies I’ve seen work well:
Set clear expectations
Define roles, responsibilities, and performance goals from the outset. This helps your team feel secure about what’s expected of them, while still knowing you’re there to support them. It also gives you a framework for holding people accountable.
Communicate openly
Tackle difficult conversations head-on, but with respect and empathy. Honesty fosters trust, and showing empathy doesn't mean avoiding the truth.
Empower your team
Encourage your team to take ownership of their work. Empowerment fosters a sense of responsibility and reduces the need for you to step in too frequently.
Self-reflection
Regularly assess your leadership approach. Are you basing decisions on emotions or logic? Self-awareness is crucial to navigating this balance between empathy and authority.
Conclusion: Kindness with boundaries
The question "Am I too nice as a leader?" doesn’t have a simple answer. Leadership is about striking the right balance. You can be empathetic and set boundaries, kind without being a pushover, and approachable while still upholding high standards.
Ultimately, your leadership journey is one of continuous learning and adaptation. Embrace your kindness as a strength, while ensuring you don’t compromise on your team’s or your own performance.
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